I Continue To Suprise Myself: The Marriage Chapter Begins.

It’s been a while because I’ve taken some time off over the summer. I’ve been in my garden, sewing, planning, and generally preparing to host our wedding which occurred over the weekend of the Harvest Moon. It’s been a special summer, that’s for sure.

We’ve been calling it our B.Y.M.E. or Back Yard Matrimonial Experience because we’re nerdy and giggle over acronyms like that.

The process of planning, preparing, and hosting has taught me a lot. As it turns out, people love weddings! Funny how I missed that detail having spent my entire adult life (until now) railing against the structure of marriage. 

Here’s what I mean.

I’ve always been a marriage skeptic. I’ve never been someone who dreamed of having a white wedding with all the associated pageantry, gender roles, and heteronormity. (Another time I’ll tell you the story of how I stood in defiance against it when my child was born).

There are many oppressive roots associated with this structure and I never wanted to be tied to it. Plus, common-law partners in Canada have the same legal rights as married couples, so why bother?

But since meeting sweet Jonathan, many things have changed in my world, including my stance on matrimony.

Six years ago I was not actively looking for a partner – quite the opposite, really – but when this person appeared in my world everything shifted.

Within two weeks of an undeniable mutual connection and an instant bond, I knew that I would marry them.

This truth rattled me and I didn’t know how to assimilate the weight of it. Every part of my being had to figure out how to work with this new knowledge. It was intense, to say the least.

“Ouf. Really? I’m going to marry this person? What the heck? I don’t do marriage.”

I didn’t want to uphold the lineage of oppression and control that accompanied having a legal tie to a man and his family. All I could see was the harm that women experienced because of it. Knowing that women and children were once men’s chattel for him to own made me queasy. No thank you, none of that energy in my space.

But something shifted that summer in 2016 and I began to see how we could join in a formal union in a way that suited our partnership and helped create a modern version of marriage in our society. Perhaps it was his gentle yet powerful feminist way in the world, or the inexplicable collision of our hearts and how they fit together like puzzle pieces. Probably the sum of these parts.

So here I am, on the other side of a beautiful backyard wedding completely at peace. And tired, too, if I’m to be completely honest. 

After all those years of fight and protest I now find myself softened into the comfort of knowing I can create change by influencing these structures from the inside.

Softening is one of the best (and most dynamic) gifts of aging that I’ve noticed so far, and I hope I stay on this trajectory. 

Because of my willingness to stretch and heal I’ve gained access to a new form of power that’s rooted in an ethical and dynamic union.

My beloved is a perfect partner to co-embody what we want to see in the evolution of partnership. Together we are better individuals and more powerful change-makers. 

Our ceremony had no isle for a father to “give away” his daughter, our guests surrounded us in a circle instead. 

Witnessed by our community, we made many many promises to each other, intended to take a lifetime to fulfill.

We focussed our attention on our senses, on the land that supported us, the sky that opened above us and felt the connection between each other as we collectively stepped into the ceremony that joined us and our families. 

I sewed my own dress, we grew our own flowers, and our mums and aunties helped us cook the meals to acknowledge our different heritages. 

A dear friend helped us create the ceremony that involved the five directions and we served tea to our elders in traditional tea ceremony fashion.

My daughter was my legal witness and delivered the most touching speech about what she saw in our growing partnership as one of our closest spectators from day one. 

Close friends wrote letters to our relationship and what they want for us as we continue to grow as individuals and as partners.

We danced to fiddle music on the grass and were serenaded by a magical harp during the ceremony.

We ate pies that my mum baked for us made from apples grown just down the road and everyone delighted when cans of whipping cream were served to each table.

A toddler pushed the bubble mower around the yard declaring with wisdom, “Every wedding needs bubbles.”

We made it our own.

And because of all that not only are we changed, but so is our community. Together we grew and healed with the roses, zinnias, and sunflowers as witnesses to all of us.

It was a precious and easeful weekend, overflowing with love and connection; it was exactly as wonderful as we’d hoped it would be. 

How blessed we are on so many levels. 

The part I was previously unable to see about marriage – because of my opposition to the harm and exclusion it has caused to parts of our society – is the importance of celebrating love. Somehow I missed seeing how meaningful ritual and ceremony are scant in our western society and probably linked to the sense of not feeling connected that many folks feel. 

I suppose it takes finding the right teacher at the right time. My love with Jonathan is just that; a teacher in the loveliest form.

Don’t think it feels any different now that we’re married. But it’s only been a couple of weeks. We’re still high on the love and support our families and loved ones showered us in, so we’ll see… 
 
Have you ever taken a stand against something and then later in life saw it a different way? I’d love to hear your story. 
 
Anyhow, I’m planning to be back in this space more regularly again. I’ve missed writing to you. Plus, I’m always pleased to bathe in the long golden shadows of autumn sunshine to inspire new creative pursuits.

More again soon, 

Dana

P.S. If you’ve ever grappled with the topic of marriage you might also appreciate a book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. When I read this memoir years ago I found a lot of comfort in the way she explored the complexity of her journey.

P.P.S. If you want to see a sneak peek of some of our beautiful moments captured by my favourite photographer, Jennifer Armstrong, you can find them here.