I want to, so why do I stop myself?

Do you have stuff you want to do, things you want to make, or a life you want to create but keep putting it off for no good reason?

It’s not just you. 

Lots of us struggle with this (me included).

This is a topic I explore with all of my coaching clients, and a good majority of my massage therapy patients who want to begin implementing practices to support their well-being and performance. 

So, why is it so hard to do things that make us feel good and take us closer to our full expression?

From what I can tell there are a few factors at play:

1. We don’t know what to do so we don’t do anything.
   If you keep doing the same thing, you’ll get the same result. So the key is in just doing something so that you break the habit of tolerating stuckness; taking action opens new doors. This could be a simple as declaring that you’re going to figure it out and find ways to keep exploring that. Or you might have a crystal clear idea about what you want to do. Taking a series of small actions with intention is more powerful than you think. Just do something.

2. Our brains resist change.
   Even if it’s something we want and like doing – like a regular writing/yoga/fitness/meditation/painting/spiritual practice –  we have to develop new neural pathways before it feels natural (Notice how I didn’t say ‘easy’? That’s because it probably won’t ever feel that way. See #4 below). Being consistent is important in developing new skills. As much as we often hate repetition, we love and need it.

3. We negotiate.
   Because of this innate resistance to change, we often allow room to negotiate with ourselves. Can you relate to wanting to get up earlier in the morning but then just keep your head on the pillow because your comfort-seeking Saboteur is allowed to weigh in and interrupt your follow-through on the commitment you’ve made to yourself? ”Just 10 more minutes…you can skip it this morning…you’re so tired…”
   We can’t let the change-resistant part of ourselves sit in the driver's seat if we want to uproot the stuckness habit.

4. We wait until we feel like it.
   Guess what? You’ll never feel like doing it. So decide on what you want to do and do it. Discomfort is part of living, so you’ll either feel the discomfort of staying where you are or you’ll feel the discomfort of change and growth. The sooner we accept this, the less suffering we experience.

What’s at risk?

If we repeatedly set goals but don’t follow through, we give our Saboteurs a chance to prove to us that we are as much of a failure as they want us to believe. 

Not showing up for ourselves erodes our self-confidence and keeps us from reaching for our dreams and feeling fulfilled. 

Not following through shrinks our perception of what’s possible. And that’s no way to live! Where’s the fun in that?

As you probably know by now, I’m a big supporter of practicing self-compassion. With all this tough-love talk, I’m not suggesting that anyone employ harsh tactics to force change upon themselves. But sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is becoming really strict about sticking to what we said we are going to do while in the energy of courageous kindness. This reinforces that we can achieve what we set our minds to and is key to building those new brain pathways.

Practicing self-compassion while holding steady with a goal can look like giving yourself ways to do the thing with different intensities. I currently have a goal to write four pages in my journal every morning, but some days it’s not possible to fully follow through. Instead of not writing on those mornings, I’ll just write until my coffee is done which usually gets me halfway to my goal which is a heckuva lot better than not at all. 50% is always more than 0%.

Every time we do something that we said we were going to do, we validate ourselves and this results in boosted self-confidence.

When we repeatedly prove to ourselves that we can follow through there’s less room for the Saboteurs to sneak in and wreak havoc with their toxic vitriol of negative narratives. 

👉🏻 What are you ready to do?
👉🏻 And what action are you committed to doing to get you closer to it?

Cheering you on,

Dana

P.S. If you know anyone who has recently been down on themselves for not being able to follow through for themselves, please forward this post. It might help them look at things in a new light.